Transitions, Resulotions & Insurance Lapses

So I know it’s been a while since I’ve last written a post. It seems like whenever I have the most the write about the less likely I am to actually do it. That’s anxiety for you though I guess…

A lot… and I mean a lot has been going on recently. I guess I’ll start out with letting everyone know that I got a new job. I’m using the term “new” loosely however since I’ve been there now for over 2 months. It’s funny how much emotional weight we put into jobs. I was initially so excited for my “new beginning” and new career path. It’s exhilarating going through the application process when the outcome is you actually land the job. I’m not trying to say I am no longer happy with my position… I’m just trying to say I forgot how much an emotional and mentally taxing experience starting a new job can be.

At my previous job, I was fairly open with my mental health. I felt very supported by peers and comfortable opening up to them. Ultimately though, it just wasn’t the right position for me. Going into this new opportunity I was conflicted if I wanted to be as open about anxiety as I had been in the past. Would they look at me differently? Would they think I was less capable of my job duties? Would they wonder why the heck I would choose to share something so personal to me? Should this be something I even bring up in the workplace? Where should the line be drawn with this sort of thing anyway?

I decided it wasn’t something I wanted to bring up. I also decided to make my Instagram private because I wasn’t sure what somebody from work would think if they stumbled across my blog. Even though I pride myself on being open on the subject, I decided that this time it was something I wanted to hide and that it was something I that I was embarrassed about.

About a month before I left my old job I had started to take serious strides to take back control of mental health. I was seeing a therapist weekly and we had plans to reach out to a nurse practitioner to evaluate/ adjust the anti-depressants I was on. She was super supportive when I told her about my new job and I told her I estimated it would probably be about a month before my new insurance would kick in. Then I found out my estimate was wrong and it was actually going to be at least three months…..whoops.

But whatever, I had this. I felt really confident and strong going into my job duties and I was for once really excited for my future. In the midst of training, I had completely forgotten my anti-depressants were out of refills and subsequently stopped taking them. I might’ve touched on this before but NEVER ABRUPTLY STOP TAKING YOUR ANTI-DEPRESSANTS. Right, when everything in the workplace was getting it’s most stressful my brain decided it was time for seratonin gymnastics. Needless to say, it was not a good look. I was crying on the daily, I felt completely out of control and I felt completely ashamed.

That’s when I decided to bite the bullet and go to my local medi-center just in order to get a refill. I didn’t care how much it cost because I literally felt like I was going insane. But the damage was done. At the exact time, I needed to be at the top of my game I became crippled with self-doubt.
I’m not going to go into much detail about how much worse it got… but trust me things got way worse than I could ever have imagined.

And on that light-hearted note… let’s talk about New Years! I cannot believe I’ve been writing in the blog now for over a year. Time really flies when you’re having a panic attack. No, but in all seriousness, I am currently in a much better state and ready to kick some 2019 ass. I’ve grown too accustomed to going through bouts of tremendous lows, picking up the pieces and then trying again. While I still admire my resilence in such situations, my goal this year is to stay in control of things and not let them control me. Honestly, I think this is my toughest resolution to date. And before I end this (and wait another 300 months for a new post) I just wanted to thank everyone who read and kept up with my blog this past year. I didn’t even realize how many people actually read this until they would come up to me at gatherings and tell me how much they relate to what I write. Those type of reactions is why I keep trying to be open about my life and the struggles I go through. I hope you all have a great 2019 and if you’re not, feel to reach out and tell me why I am always here to listen!

New Year, Old Me

So despite leading up to the New Year with guns blazing, once 2018 actually did roll around I fell short…and by “fell short” I mean I think I literally fell down at some point after the ball dropped and incidentally dropped my own metaphorical New Year’s ball (ba dum chh). All puns aside though, 2018 has pretty much sucked for me so far.

The month prior to January I had spent an insurmountable amount of time self reflecting, making improvements and basically just working on trying to get my shit together. And not to pat myself on my own back, but I was doing a pretty good job. I actually believed the notion of that cliche’d “New Year, New Me” thing would apply to me this year. Its not like I thought I’d become a whole different person, but I was confident in my efforts to become a least a better one.

Nothing particularly major happened to make me this way. My biggest set back was that I ended up drinking on New Years, something I had been adamantly avoiding. I had made it through Christmas and several parties and outings without even craving alcohol. I was so proud of myself and I could see my mindset changing. I was OK being the only one in the room not partaking, hell I would even say it felt comfortable not to! I didn’t even drink until after Midnight. I don’t know what flipped the switch inside my brain, but I figured I had deserved to indulge just a little bit.

Of course, there is no such thing as a “little bit” with me and I ended up waking up at 3pm with a wicked hangover. While the hangover served as a great reminder to myself that I hate drinking, I couldn’t shake the feeling of disappointment. To make matter worse, this new low energy I had adopted in 2018 followed me throughout the next week.

Although I did not work New Years day, I felt sluggish and not myself the subsequent days at work. My anxiety was back with a vengeance and I had trouble organizing my thoughts and getting through tasks. In case you don’t already know, Anxiety is a raging bitch. I started getting all these crazy thoughts in my head and coming up with wild conclusions in my head over what my co-workers thought of my obvious low energy. Reality tells you: They probably thought you could use a good Starbucks run and maybe a nap. Anxiety on the other hand attacks you with ….. OMG EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE CRAZY. Why do you suck at your job so much…. WhAt iS wRoNg WiTh YoU?!?! Other than anxiety making you think it is acceptable to toggle your type in a blog post, it is completely illogical.

So THAT my friends has been my 2018 so far. Not so fun. All stemming from 1 night of drinking too…which is kinda insane if you think about it. On a positive note though, my efforts in December in the self improvement department were not fruitless. Because of the work I put in, I have been able to pull my big girl pants back on and myself out of this slump (It might of taken almost like a full week, but hey I still deserve some credit!). So tonight I am going to go home after a productive day at work, eat some Pizza and maybe jot down ideas on how to embody a New Year, New Me mantra for myself.

❤  Sweeney