Why I Fired my Psychiatrist

It’s difficult to evaluate a psychiatrist during a 50-minute session — and then decide whether to see them again — when the real value of the relationship may come years and hundreds of sessions later. This problem becomes even more compounded because you rely on this person in order to get the medication you need to function like a halfway normal person. 

Nobody brags about needing to be on anti-depressants. In fact, it’s still something that people feel the need to be hush. Because no one wants to be a failure, and the world has made it clear that people who are on antidepressants are somehow weak, even though it’s no more different than someone who might be prescribed insulin for diabetes. The truth is, sometimes our brains need a little help too.  But that’s another thought for another time… what I wanted to talk about today is what to do when your relationship with your Doctor goes south (In a sense though, both topics go hand and hand).

There are no referees in the room; it’s just you, your psychiatrist, and whatever problems you’re facing or want to unpack. Sometimes, the relationship starts out great but erodes over time or lingers for years without inertia, or you call it off for small, seemingly silly reasons. And sometimes, there are incidences that lead to only one course of action. FInding a psychiatrist is hard. Finding one who takes your insurance is even harder. I had spent a little over 2 years with who I thought was the right Dr. I mean, we went through a fricken pandemic together, I thought we’d be in it for the long haul. I was wrong. 

I had so much invested in the relationship at this point—money, time, and my innermost demons—that I didn’t want to rewind my progress or start over from square one. So when things got particularly nasty over an insurance situation I was hesitant to leave at first. 

The problem was that she was out of network, but we had taken care of this issue right when I had begun seeing her. We had put in for a preauthorization to see her, which was approved by my insurance. At some point, I’m not sure when it was no longer approved by my insurance. There was some back and forth on this and we had both tried talking to my insurance and that is when things got nasty. The insurance company insisted it was because she had never put in for a new renewal for my visits and when I told her this she would get defensive and told me I wasn’t saying the correct things to the insurance company and that it was my fault. 

I never felt like I could talk to her about the situation without being demeaned or being accused of doing something wrong. She told me several times that I wasn’t doing what she asked me to do but I never knew what that meant or how to respond because what she was telling would contradict the insurance. In one particular nasty text message, I got scolded for not getting the first and last name of the person I spoke with about my insurance. When I told her, they only provided a first name she scoffed at me. Later, when I inquired with my insurance on this they told me it was in fact a violation to give out first and last names. 

I was crushed by her comments and stunned by how mean and insensitive she was being. After all the work we had done together around my issues, how could talk this way to me? It seemed like a cruel joke or a very insensitive mistake. I spent days agonizing over her text messages and every time she would reach out to me, it would end with me in tears and having a panic attack. Finally, it got to the point where I told her, I would do my best to try and figure this out, but afterward, we should end our relationship together. It wasn’t healthy for me and it was causing me distress and panic attacks. I won’t go into detail on how she responded to that, but spoiler alert, it was not well. 

We ended up having one last “session” together because I think she realized that some of the stuff she was sending over text messages was not the most secure. The session ended with me in tears and slamming my laptop on my virtual appointment. I was happy I stepped away, but it left me feeling very shaken. I knew I had to end this toxic relationship, but now I also had to figure out how I was going to get my medication. 

I was walking around trying to process it for weeks. Everybody I had talked about the situation to or shown the messages to were stunned. Luckily, I have a very good relationship with a therapist I’ve seen off and on for years. We set up a meeting to come up with a new game plan for my mental health. Unfortunately for me, not being on medication is not an option. A fact I still sometimes still have problems coming to terms with. I eventually came up with a solution for my situation because I really had no other choice- but it’s not ideal.  

It empowering however and kind of cathartic to walk away. Often, it can be tempting to just resign ourselves to an inadequate level of support. We’ve been taught to never question the competence of our clinicians, without realizing that they aren’t always a good fit. You deserve a  physiatrist or therapist that you like, respect, and who makes you feel good. If who you are seeing does none of these things for you, don’t settle for less. You are allowed to “fire” your physiatrist. And if it could improve your health, there’s no good reason not to.

❤ Sweeney

Imposter Syndrome Got Me Like…

Is it a coincidence that I haven’t written a blog post since being diagnosed with ADHD back in February? Probably not, but that’s not what I am here to talk about something. Today I wanted to write about something everybody, adhd or not, gets to experience from time to time, imposter syndrome. If you haven’t experienced this, I’d like to know where you get your confidence from, and if you have or liked to know what the heck I’m talking about continue reading below!

According to the first result I pulled up on google (lol) “Imposter syndrome, also called perceived fraudulence (how fancy!), involves feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite your education, experience and accomplishments. To counter these feelings, you might end up working harder and holding yourself to ever higher standards”. So in summary, it’s a mind fuck of your own creation. Do you ever feel like a phony? A fraud? That you don’t belong where you are? Guess what!?!?! Maybe its true (jk) or maybe you’re just experiencing imposter syndrome.

So this is all sounds pretty general, and I’m sure it’s possible to feel any or all of these things at a certain point without it falling into the realm of imposter syndrome. The biggest problem with imposter syndrome though is that the experience of doing well at something does nothing to change your beliefs.

Recently I found out that imposter syndrome and adhd is a common pairing (along with adhd and anxiety…. and adhd and substance abuse… welp guess that makes sense). For me, I recognize that my struggles with executive functioning (i.e staying organized, planning multi- tasking ect) often times make me feel like a failure. Is there something going on in your life you can identify that makes you feel this way? It’s important to remember that “The Real You” is full of amazing qualities too.

This can hard when in the thick of some serious negative self talk, but here are some ways to help combat falling into the trap of imposter syndrome.

  • Separate feelings from fact
  • Develop a healthy response to failure and mistake making
  • Know the signs
  • Be authentically you
  • Give it Name
  • Get comfortable with saying “I don’t know”
  • Track and Measure your successes
  • Practice self love, grace and kindness
  • Know you’re not alone

Imposter syndrome can make you feel inadequate. Practice some of the tips above and see how they work! My biggest bit of advice however, is just to acknowledge it and learn more about yourself and how it affects you. If you’re lying to yourself out of dear or shame, you’re lying to everyone else too. When you embrace yourself, how can you be considered an imposter?

Everybody Doesn’t Have a Little ADHD

Just reading the term “ADHD” elicits imagery of the little boy who cannot sit still in class… you know the one. The annoying kid who gets in trouble for not paying attention in class and getting distracted by squirrels. If you do not fit the the preconceived stereotype of what people think ADHD is, then there can’t be anything wrong with you because I mean… who doesn’t get distracted every once and while?

These outdated stereotypes especially affect woman. So many girls/ woman go undiagnosed because we don’t show symptons the same way as our hyperactive male counterparts, Leading us to feel hopeless, ditzy, dumb, depressed and/or anxious. Sounds fun right?

I have been in and out of therapy for anixiety, depression and even substance abuse for yearsssssss and I have been on almost every type of ant-depressent under the sun. Guess what I was never diagnoised with until the age of 33? A diagnoisis that literally makes all the other things I went to therapy for make sense…. oh yea ADHD. Now, the more I read and find out about ADHD I find that there are so many woman in the same position I am. We’re part of the late diagnosis club.

Getting this diagnosis was so liberating for me. In a weird way I was actually excited to tell people, almost as if it provide them with as much of an A-HA moment for them as it did me. Like… OH that’s why Kristen is the way she is, huh? I’m not really sure why I expected this or for people to care, but it honestly felt important to me to share. Instead I was met with confusion and blank stares. “Everybody has a little ADHD” I was told. I wanted to literally wanted to scream. Like this thing that has impacted every part of my life boils down to just being a little distracted sometimes?

SO what does ADHD looks like in adults anyways?… Well here are some of the symptoms:

  • Impuslsitivy & Resltlessness
  • Low Frustration Tolerance
  • A hard time reading
  • Daytime sleepiness
  • Multitasking issues
  • Poor prioritisation
  • Missing deadlines
  • Disorganization
  • Putting off tasks
  • Hyper focus.

Just to name a few. The best way I can describe it is feeling chronically overwhelmed. It’s exhausting and I’m far past being just tired. Luckily I’m taking steps to try to manage and better understand my diagnosis, but if the meantime ya’ll could stop gaslight… that would be great, thanks.

❤ Sweeney

Virtual Medication Management

Listen, nobody wants to be on anti depressants but I am one of those people who truly believes some people need to be on them. Anti-depressants get a bad rap, and like depresssion itsef, are highly stigmatized. Listen to me carefully though… it is NOT giving up to take medication. Got it? Good. No pill shaming here!

I actually am a huge advocate of holistic health and alternative medicine. However, for me it did not help with my anxiety or depression. If you decide to take that route, great, just make sure you talk through your options with a professional. 🙂 Which brings me back to the subject of this post… Virtual Medication Management.

So I’ve been on and off anti-dressants for the better part of my early adult life (early 20’s-30’s) and I have been through my fair share of trial and error, dose adjustments ect. Its a very personal journey and never one I thought I’d be taking online during a pandemic!!! After I quit drinking and started to really take of myself I made it a point to stabilize my medication. I actually had no idea at the time what Doctor has even initially pescribed me the medication I had been on for years. When I would get a text from my phramacy that I needed a refill I’d just cross my fingers that one would go through.

I finally found a doctor I liked and so we started working together to evaluate what I was currently on, if it was the correct thing and how to manage my anxiety and depression. Fast forward to the mess that is 2020 and we’re still working together, only now its virtually. The hardest thing for me isn’t not seeing my doctor face to face though, that part is actually pretty easy. It’s navigating how effective my medication is during a pandemic. I really should’ve titled this “Medication Management…during a Pandemic” but I’ve used the “…during a Pandemic” tag line for like my 5 last posts. So it is, what it is and what it is…is fricken hard.

0 out of 5 stars I do not recommend adjusting your medication during a pandemic, unless its necessary and for me it is. It’s like how am I supposed to know if I am having medication side effects or pandemic induced depression? Am I more anxious now because I started a new job or because my medication sucks? Its can be hard to interpret your mood when so much is going on in the world and your life. The key is knowing that a pill is not magically and will never fix everything. I’ve started to become more intutitve when it comes to knowing what is normal anxiety vs. the type I need to address with my doctor. Of course thats a little harder to decipher with everything going on, but all I can do is try.

And at the end of the day that is all any of us can do… try. So whether you’re on anti-depressants or not… clinically depressed or situationally depressed, anxious or numb just try (I know it’s not that easy). Reach out to a friend, reach out to family or work with a professional because its more important now than its ever has been. It is not a waste of time. It is essential.

❤ Sweeney

Unemployment & The Effects on Mental Health. Plus: Interviewing w/anxiety

Raise your hand if you’ve been indefinitely furloughed during Covid-19. I bet it has been a lot of you, myself included,  so I know firsthand how much it sucks! Sure it was kind of fun at first. I enjoyed having no work obligations while being blissfully unaware of my soon-to-be dire financial situation because I was receiving that neat extra $600 a week. Flash forward to 7 months later and all I can say is… ugh. 

I severely underestimated the role routine plays in my mental health. Having an infinite amount of time on your hands is honestly stressful AF. I’ve been attempting to achieve some normalcy to my days but it’s not as easy as you may think. I get super stressed out thinking of ways to fill my free time and I feel guilty when I feel I am not doing “enough”. I’m pretty sure I thought I’d be Rembrandt by now, reaping in the benefits of having an abundance of hours for self-improvement. However, here I sit typing this with no new skill-sets that I can think of. Oops. On the flip side outwardly, I definitely think I’ve experienced a quarantine glow up. Remember that thing I was saying about needing routine? Well, I’ve replaced it with working out. Now before you get jelly, I just wanted to include the disclaimer that I’m fairly certain I’ve developed an unhealthy obsession. Sometimes the only thing I know what to do with myself is to work out. Read a book? Nah… let’s take my 10th yoga class of the day instead. Trust me,  It’s not as zen as you may think. 

Inbetween my endless amount of exercise, however, I have found time to apply for new jobs. How many jobs have I applied to you asked? So far, 57. How many interviews have I had? 2. And don’t get me started on how many times per day  I refresh my email checking for interview requests and/pr callbacks. 

The whole process is miserable. Believe it or not, for someone with anxiety, I am actually pretty good at interviewing. Although I definitely do analyze in my head every word I said over and over once the interview is finished.  What really is breaking me though is not getting interviews. I understand the job market is a little… errr…rough right now but why wouldn’t anyone want to give the girl who just figured her shit out a chance? But seriously… I suppose my resume is a bit all over the place, but how was I supposed to know a pandemic was going to hit once I found a fulfilling job that I loved and truly respected me as an employee? I promise this last job was going to be the one that said I had been there for like 5 years… so why don’t you take my word for it and interview me…or better yet hire me? Please?!?!? Cause I am stared to get very worried. 

How is everyone else handling finding work during these strange times? Feel free to reach out because I’d love to know. And if you know anybody whose hiring….. I’m SUPER availavbile! 😉

❤ Sweeney

What to Drink when you’re not drinking… during quarantine

So I’ve actually been meaning to write a similar post (sans quarantine) ever since I quit drinking… 11 months. Clearly undertaking something so difficult for me has done nothing to improve my procrastination so here we are.

Anyhow, it’s no secret that due to covid-19 most of us non-essentials are stuck at home for the perpetual future To say it has been a stressful time an understatement. In my last post, I wrote about some of the coping mechanisms I have tried to use to manage my anxiety during this time. And I am aware that for a lot of people it has been drinking. I mean why not (take that statement with a grain of salt)? Most of us are not working and if we are on the front lines the stress is immeasurable. Alcohol can help ease our nerves and allows us to open up and laugh…when all we feel like doing is crying.

I understand. And to be honest this pandemic has been the ultimate test of my sobriety. I’d be lying if I told ya I  didn’t have a craving for a hard one to get me through this hard time. But atlas… I will not go down that rabbit hole because if I do… well (see earlier posts).

That’s me though.  I know a lot of people are able to enjoy alcohol responsibly and that’s great (I’m also slightly jealous!). However, if you’re looking to switch it up or concerned about your immune system (cause yea….alchohol will wreak havoc on that…sorry). Maybe you’re just a little sober curious. If so you’ve come to the right place! Below I’ll go over some of my favorite alcohol alternatives and how to purchase said beverages during quarantine. And yes … I have more in my tool belt than just Diet Coke and La Croix so do not worry my carbonated hating friends!

A good ol’ fashioned mocktail! 

Have a lot of juice at your house? With all this extra time on your hands, it is the perfect time to experiment, plus they are lots of fun to make! If I am hosting or attending a party I love to mix up a unique mocktail. It helps me feel like part of the festivities plus it serves as a tasty mixer for anybody looking for something a little bit more spiked.

Heres a link to one of my warm-weather favorites, Coconut Lavender-Lemonade!

Coconut Lavender Lemonade

Speaking of mocktails… if you’re a fan of playing with flavors and really want to step up your mocktail game I suggest…

Seedlip ” The World’s First Distilled Non-Alcoholic Spirits” and inspiration for this post.

I’d be lying if I told you if I knew anything that went into creating this tasty gem. What I do know os I can make a kick-ass virgin Moscow mule with it and that it comes in 3 flavors with really cute bottles that have animals on them (who doesn’t love majestic animals?). It has a distinct but slight earthy taste and comes in a captain morgan esque- spice flavor, a “garden” flavor which I’d assume would be good for bloody mary’s (admittedly not my favorite flavor) and grove which has more of a citrus taste.

They are still shipping nationwide during everything. I suggest looking at their site for some cool recipe ideas and to learn more about them!

Seedlip Drinks

Ok so at this point you may be thinking, mocktails are cool and all Kristen but I need something to mellow me out during all this. Well, you my friend are in luck! So the following could be considered a little controversial in the sober community, but for me, I find them totally fine and fantastic alternatives to alcohol when I need to relax. Honestly, sobriety is so personal and it is my belief that if I find CBD beneficial it is no big deal. Again that is just me but I just figured I’d start with that disclaimer and also totally give away my next drink.

Recess or other CBD infused drinks

By now we’ve all been inundated with the hype surrounding CBD. There is just about “CBD infused” everything…everywhere. Did you know you can buy ridiculously overpriced cbd activewear? I’m getting track now though.  Recess is probably my favorite on the market to bring to a party. They come in pretty pastel cans (can you tell I am a sucker for marketing?) and you feel cool sipping them. They are sparkingly seltzer that come in 3 flavors, Blackberry Chai,  Peach Ginger and Pomengratente Hibiscus. 10 out of 10 would recommend if you’re looking to relax without the hangover.

Learn more at Take A Recess

Now onto my fave and what I am sipping in my feature photo…

Kava

Who doesn’t love a little natural relaxation? For centuries this calming South Pacific root has been brewed in teas but is only just starting to gain popularity in the United States. Kava has been used for centuries by Pacific Islanders due to its sedative and euphoric properties. Kava has been used to treat insomnia, migraines, and hailed as a natural alternative to anti-anxiety medicines. Ummm… count me in!

Please, please note though that I highly suggest doing your research before you decide Kava is right for you. I would not suggest drinking alcohol with it or having if you regularly take benzos for anxiety (as it is already a sedative). What’s the point of feeling relaxed and euphoric if you’re just going to sleep through it?

We have a few Kava bars in my area which is great for a non-drinking gal like myself. I actually held my 32nd (ew) birthday at a Kava Bar! I had so much fun and was so appreciative of all my friends for going on an alternative night out on the town with me. There are many places you can get kava…you can even order it on Amazon! One of the Kava bars by me is even offering curbside no-contact pickup.

So there ya have it, folks, some of my favorite non-alcoholic drinks to enjoy whether I am  Zoom chatting during quarantine or out celebrating with friends (once its ok to do so, of course).

I hope you found this helpful or at the very least interesting. I never want to come off as like an alcohol shamer because honestly, that’s a personal choice and as long as it’s not causing problems for you I say go for it! If you are looking to cut back feel free to reach out for me advise or try some of these drinks. I have a few more alternatives that I use so if you’re interested in learning more shoot me a dm.

Stay safe everyone!

❤ Sweeney

Coronavirus & Anxiety

Well its certainly been a while since my last post…. and A LOT has certainly happened since then. I have actually been managing my anxiety (and sobriety) pretty well lately up until this pandemic hit (no I have not started drinking again).

And while anxiety has become a normal part of my existence the fear and uncertainness surrounding today’s circumstances have just about everyone in some state of panic.

I work for small business and I am scared shitless for our future. For the first time in many years, I have found myself happy, productive and valued at my place of employment and now it is all feels like it could be taken from me. With that said, I am sitting at work at this very moment typing this and I feel conflicted. I am grateful to still be able to make a paycheck at this time but feel strange and unsettled about not being quarantined at home.

I didn’t decide to blog for the first time in months though to just talk about me and my situation. I know so many people out there are in much more dire states than I am. I just wanted to write this to say that we’re all in this together. If you’re not accustomed to this amount of anxiety, it is understandable. I keep on hearing the phrase “We will get through this together” reiterated and I full-heartedly believe its true. If you’re feeling anxious that’s ok! Now more than ever, there are people out there who want to help you through whatever it is you may be going through during this crazy time.

Here are some of the tactics I’ve been implementing to help ease my nerves.

  1. Exercising. Yes… I know the gyms are closed! But it has been amazing to see an abundance of small studios offering live online classes. Also, there are so many awesome on-demand workout streaming sites and many of them are offering free subscriptions right now.

Some of my favorites right now are Ash Hot Yoga available through the Mind-Body Ap. Drop-in classes are only 11$. And while there are many streaming services available nothing can quite take the place of a live class with your favorite instructors and fit community. I also really like the idea of contributing to small studios to help them sustain during all of this.

Peloton is offering a 90 free trial on its App which is pretty awesome! I am kinda crazy and have like 100 gym memberships because I need variety. So having the option to take live studio classes or streaming something completely different on my own is important to me. Other apps/ gyms I know offering free trials Aaptiv, Planet Fitness, Club Pilates, Pure Barre, Beachbody, and Openfit.

RUN! get some fresh air and log some solo miles. It will do a lot for your sanity.

2. Online shopping with small businesses. I know with the uncertainness of income telling ya’ll shopping will help ease your anxiety might seem a little strange BUT if you are able to shop small. It makes me really happy to be able to support small businesses during this time because they need the most help… also I’m getting some pretty baller stuff.

I just ordered a wicked cute shirt from  Daayaniyoga. https://daayaniyoga.com/pages/shop-directory

3. Continuing my sobriety. I am aware this does not apply to everybody but drinking does lower your immune system and is a depressant that causes even more anxiety! But hey I am not going to judge you if you need a bottle of wine or 5. I am kind of over memes normalizing alcoholism during quarantining but I am a firm believer in “you do you”. I just know for ME continuing to abstain from alcohol is a good thing right now.

Sooooo….. those are actually the only 3 things I am really doing right now to help myself feel better. Some of the other things I suggest you try and that I need to start doing is

  1. Distance yourself from Social Media. OMG this is such a big one that I need to do right now. I have been excessively watching everybody’s Instagram stories. So if you’ve noticed I have watched every one of yours…no I am not a stalker!
  2. Meditate, I have been doing yoga but I could definitely take more time out of my day to breathe.
  3. Do things you have been putting off. Writing a blog post has been one of the things I’ve been meaning to do so YAY go me! But getting your taxes done or cleaning could help you feel less stir crazy.
  4. Facetime/ speak with your family more. I really suck at this sorry Mom!

 

Anyways my main point and take away is that while the world is a super stressful place right now… there are so many resources out there right now to help you and I manage this. I wish you all good health and urge you to stay safe. Feel free to message me if you’d like any other suggestions on how to combat stress and anxiety.

❤ Sweeney

 

 

 

Sweenbrioty

Last Thursday I quietly celebrated a huge personal milestone. There were no champagne corks to be popped and no shots to be had though. This wasn’t the type of milestone you celebrated that way for because Thursday, Nov. 21st marked 6 months of abstaining from alcohol. Full disclosure, I did gleefully eat my weight in Froyo.

I have a strange relationship with this newfound sobriety. Part of me wants to scream on top of rooftops, proudly declaring to anybody who will listen, that I don’t drink anymore. The other part of me wants to shrivel up and hide in shame and pretend I never had a problem with alcohol, to begin with.

A few days into my sobriety or a few days before (I cannot recall) I wrote a post finally admitting that I had a problem with alcohol.  I kept it up a few days but did not share the post to any of my social media accounts.  Then after mulling over it agonizingly a couple days, I changed the post to private. I have not reread the post since. I’m actually sort of afraid to. I was in such a different headspace than I am in now and it’s hard to bring myself to relive that shame.  “Shame”…. there’s that word again, it haunts me.

It’s kind of weird how open I am about my struggles with anxiety, but I am also more secretive about my struggle with alcohol. I feel like there are so many more negative connotations with being an alcoholic and at the end of the day is it really a stigma…or is it just the reality of it?

I was a really shitty person when I drank and the severity of my drinking isn’t something I usually openly ever shareabout…maybe it should be…. maybe it shouldn’t. Just trust me, it was bad. Like shakes in the morning, drinking pints of vodka straight bad. Anxiety is hard enough. Now imagine having an anxiety disorder while withdrawing. That was my reality.  I cringe when I think about my behavior in the past decade (yup…decade, wow) due to drinking.

But whats a newly 6-month sober girl supposed to do, get down on herself 24/7 because of the past? I’m not saying I don’t reflect because I do but for my sanity, it is so much healthier for me to look at the present and future. So now that I’ve opened pandora’s box and shared this post I definitely plan on sprinkling in posts about sobriety here and there. I can’t change my past but I can learn from it. and hopefully, I can help others struggling to be less afraid to open up.

❤ Sweeney

Downward Facing Dog > Downward Spiral Fog

Woof, it’s been a hot sec! And for once it isn’t due to some self induced catastrophe…just your run of the mill procrastination! Life has been interesting lately, but in a good way. I have so much to update everybody with, but first I wanted to make this post about something I’ve been meaning to now for a few months, which if it isn’t obvious by the picture is yoga.

Awhile back I was going through a rough time. Actually… it seemed like every other second I was going through a rough time, but that isn’t what this post is about. Anyways, I had just unexpectedly lost my job and was thrown into the throes of WTF now anxiety. I was already  a huge  mess before this happend and adding this fuel to the fire did not help. Its hard to figure out what your next steps are going to be before you’ve learned to walk. So I did what any young adult without a job would do and signed up for an unlimited monthly yoga studio membership.

Let me backtrack a bit first. I had actually signed up to this studio on a Groupon BEFORE I lost my job and had really enjoyed it. I would go before work sometime and it was nice to switch up my routine. The studio was about 10 minutes from where I worked so it was perfect. And then, just like that it wasn’t anymore. I knew I was going to have to apply for unemployment and look for a new job but I wasn’t sure how long either of those would take. With my next source of income extremely uncertain I decided to take the plunge and sign up for unlimited yoga classes anyways.

I. Needed. Something. Too. Keep. Me. Going.

I started going to the studio almost everyday. What else was I going to do with my time? I was depressed, but it gave me something to look forward to everyday and a way to keep moving. I was also applying to jobs like a mad woman. Jobs I never would’ve have ever though of applying to before. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to do something different.

It was an extremely frustrating job search. Here I was in my early thirties and with a masters not getting call backs or interviews for entry level positions. Listen, I know a degree is fine art is going to get me a job as a banker but all the money I spent for my education must make me qualified for something right…..right?!?!?

During this time Yoga became my therapy and something unexpected happened as I started to practice more. I was no longer becoming stressed about my job search. I found myself at peace and truly believing jobs that I did not land were not meant to be. Hearing the mantras that the universe was unfolding exactly the way it should and that giving my best was always enough was incredible for my anxiety and peace of mind.

And guess what… the universe unfolded the way that it should and I got a job I love. I have less time for the studio now, but it holds a special place in my heart. It’s a tad corny but it really did bring me light during a dark time. Besides yoga I have now made a ton of other positive changes in my life as well and I am so excited to share them with everyone,  but until then the light in me honors the light in you. Namaste.

❤ Sweeney

 

 

When Parents Leave Too Soon

IMG_2261

It’s hard to put into words the emotions I feel every time July 11th rolls around. 8 years ago my Father passed away and 8 years later I still have not fully processed it. I emphasize with anybody who has lost a parent, especially when it seems entirely too soon and unfair. My heart aches when I see other’s posts commemorating a loved one that has died or how they wished they could have grown up having their parent; their best friend. And then I think about my situation more. I’ve realized that I have been mourning the loss of my Dad for more than 8 years.

It’s a delicate thing to talk about people who are gone. While I am quick to admit I am sad and I am much less to inclined to confess that I am also mad. Would I offend somebody by acknowledging that my Dad was not there for me for most of my life? Is it ok to still be upset with somebody who is dead? But perhaps its too late to worry about those types of things…after all I did a photo series of self portraits of my Dad’s ashes (yes you read that right… on my face). You’d think being offensive would be the least of my concerns.

333468_260269080753537_1659170774_o

Other days I wonder if I’m facing certain problems in my life because my Dad faced them. Is he to blame? Let me clarify, that I know he is NOT and that I am in complete control of my life’s trajectory. But I’d be lying if I said the thought hasn’t cross my head from time to time.

Whether you’ve lost a parent due to death, because their not a part of your life or both… it is not something you ever really come to terms with and its hella complicated to navigate. I will say this though, the one positive to loosing my Dad was I feel like I understand him more in life than I did in death. I just wish I had that chance while he was still alive.

❤ Sweeney