New Year, Old Me

On January 5, 2018January 5, 2018 By KSweenIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

So despite leading up to the New Year with guns blazing, once 2018 actually did roll around I fell short…and by “fell short” I mean I think I literally fell down at some point after the ball dropped and incidentally dropped my own metaphorical New Year’s ball (ba dum chh). All puns aside though, 2018 has pretty much sucked for me so far.

The month prior to January I had spent an insurmountable amount of time self reflecting, making improvements and basically just working on trying to get my shit together. And not to pat myself on my own back, but I was doing a pretty good job. I actually believed the notion of that cliche’d “New Year, New Me” thing would apply to me this year. Its not like I thought I’d become a whole different person, but I was confident in my efforts to become a least a better one.

Nothing particularly major happened to make me this way. My biggest set back was that I ended up drinking on New Years, something I had been adamantly avoiding. I had made it through Christmas and several parties and outings without even craving alcohol. I was so proud of myself and I could see my mindset changing. I was OK being the only one in the room not partaking, hell I would even say it felt comfortable not to! I didn’t even drink until after Midnight. I don’t know what flipped the switch inside my brain, but I figured I had deserved to indulge just a little bit.

Of course, there is no such thing as a “little bit” with me and I ended up waking up at 3pm with a wicked hangover. While the hangover served as a great reminder to myself that I hate drinking, I couldn’t shake the feeling of disappointment. To make matter worse, this new low energy I had adopted in 2018 followed me throughout the next week.

Although I did not work New Years day, I felt sluggish and not myself the subsequent days at work. My anxiety was back with a vengeance and I had trouble organizing my thoughts and getting through tasks. In case you don’t already know, Anxiety is a raging bitch. I started getting all these crazy thoughts in my head and coming up with wild conclusions in my head over what my co-workers thought of my obvious low energy. Reality tells you: They probably thought you could use a good Starbucks run and maybe a nap. Anxiety on the other hand attacks you with ….. OMG EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE CRAZY. Why do you suck at your job so much…. WhAt iS wRoNg WiTh YoU?!?! Other than anxiety making you think it is acceptable to toggle your type in a blog post, it is completely illogical.

So THAT my friends has been my 2018 so far. Not so fun. All stemming from 1 night of drinking too…which is kinda insane if you think about it. On a positive note though, my efforts in December in the self improvement department were not fruitless. Because of the work I put in, I have been able to pull my big girl pants back on and myself out of this slump (It might of taken almost like a full week, but hey I still deserve some credit!). So tonight I am going to go home after a productive day at work, eat some Pizza and maybe jot down ideas on how to embody a New Year, New Me mantra for myself.

❤ Sweeney

Nicknames & Their Connotations

On December 28, 2017February 1, 2018 By KSweenIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

So in my last post, I briefly touched upon the idea of trying to live up to this image of being a “hot mess”. I know it seems like an odd trait to pursue as your identity, but in a strange way doing so made me feel safe. As long I self-identified as being a mess other people’s perception of me (in theory) would carry less weight. To help perpetuate this idea I had a nickname, The Sween Machine.

This nickname actually started pretty innocently enough. I had just moved to New Jersey for grad school, during the height of The Jersey Shore’s popularity and it was just sort of my “Jersey” name. Soon, however, the name morphed into an outlet for me to become this completely different person. When you have anxiety, the thought of being a different person is comforting. The Sween Machine was carefree, wild and did things without thinking. She could act in all the ways my anxiety inhibited me from doing. Besides the obvious, one of the HUGE problems that came with this was that in order to become my alter-ego I had to drink… A LOT.

I had some fun times being the Machine, but overall it was super detrimental to my well being and completely not worth it. For those fleeting hours of drunken escape, I made my anxiety much worse. Now not only did I feel anxious, but I had to navigate through dealing with my drunken actions, many of which I did not even remember. I also could not handle being in social situations without drinking and when I did drink I would always binge. I started becoming a liability not only to myself but other people. No matter how bad it got, however, I couldn’t seem to let go of the Machine. It took a lot of time for me to even begin thinking of shedding this image. I now try to work on it everyday. I am attempting to completely cut out alcohol from my life and try different natural supplements instead of medications to deal with my anxiety. I am slowly learning that being in control of your life is much better for your mood than allowing it to be a huge mess (go figure!). I am finally allowing myself to be myself. No more Machine Wreck.

❤ Sweeney

Social Media & Misadventures

On December 19, 2017February 1, 2018 By KSweenIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Social media has the tendency to do 1 of 2 polar opposite things at any given time… it either gives you a strong sense of community or it makes you feel isolated AF. It is a platform that allows us to find people we relate to, who have the same interests or who are going through the same hardships. The downside is it also provides us with the microscope to use to inspect how our lives do not live up to our peers.

I didn’t decide to create a blog so I could go on a rant about social media, but I started my first post with the subtle observation to drive home its true purpose. I wanted to create a blog about anxiety. I wanted to create a blog about the irrational demon that has steered my life into so many different twisted roads. I wanted to create a blog that while inherently about my experiences, others could relate to. My Facebook feed is littered to links by people to articles titled things like “10 Things People With Anxiety Want you to Know”, “13 Things to Remember If You Love A Person With Anxiety” and “The 5 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Who Has Anxiety.”

Even though these articles have grown cliche to me and completely generalizes what I am going through, they make me feel a little less alone and a little closer to that random acquaintance online. However, all it takes is 1 post, even after just deciding I’m bff’s with like 100 anxiety-ridden strangers online, to decide I am going nowhere in life and that I am destined to be a failure.

I know I am not, but it still doesn’t make help me feel like I have my shit together. I know people use social media to project the image of themselves they want the world to see…but damn thanks for making me feel so behind in life. I used to actually think it was funny to make my online persona (and to be honest, my real life persona) embrace being a “hot mess” I guess it was the way I dealt with my emotions. I used to be a self-described “misadventurer”. I thought it was funny, but in reality, it was just a way to mask my insecurities.

So 1st rant, I mean blog post, over. I don’t really think I provided a clear-cut conclusion to this post, but it’s my blog so I’ll do what I want. Stay tuned for more SweenXiety entries, where I actually go in depth about my experiences and maybe…just maybe somebody can relate and find comfort in what I write.

❤ Sweeney