Nicknames & Their Connotations

On By KSweenIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

So in my last post, I briefly touched upon the idea of trying to live up to this image of being a “hot mess”. I know it seems like an odd trait to pursue as your identity, but in a strange way doing so made me feel safe. As long I self-identified as being a mess other people’s perception of me (in theory) would carry less weight. To help perpetuate this idea I had a nickname, The Sween Machine.

This nickname actually started pretty innocently enough. I had just moved to New Jersey for grad school, during the height of The Jersey Shore’s popularity and it was just sort of my “Jersey” name. Soon, ​however, the name morphed into an outlet for me to become this completely different person. When you have anxiety, the thought of being a different person is comforting. The Sween Machine was carefree, wild and did things without thinking. She could act in all the ways my anxiety inhibited me from doing. Besides the obvious, one of the HUGE problems that came with this was that in order to become my alter-ego I had to drink… A LOT.

I had some fun times being the Machine, but overall it was super detrimental to my well being and completely not worth it. For those fleeting hours of drunken escape, ​I made my anxiety much worse. Now not only did I feel anxious, but I had to navigate through dealing with my drunken actions, many of which I did not even remember. I also could not handle being in social situations without drinking and when I did drink I would always binge. I started becoming a liability not only to myself​ ​ but other people. No matter how bad it got, however, I couldn’t seem to let go of the Machine. It took a lot of time for me to even begin thinking of shedding this image. I now try to work on it everyday. I am attempting to completely cut out alcohol from my life and try different natural supplements instead of medications to deal with my anxiety. I am slowly learning that being in control of your life is much better for your mood than allowing it to be a huge mess (go figure!). I am finally allowing myself to be myself. No more Machine Wreck.

 ❤ Sweeney

Social Media & Misadventures

On By KSweenIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Social media has the tendency to do 1 of 2 polar opposite things at any given time… it either gives you a strong sense of community or it makes you feel isolated AF. It is a platform that allows us to find people we relate to, who have the same interests or who are going through the same hardships. The downside is it also provides us with the microscope to use to inspect how our lives do not live up to our peers.

I didn’t decide to create a blog so I could go on a rant about social media, but I started my first post with the subtle observation to drive home its true purpose. I wanted to create a blog about anxiety. I wanted to create a blog about the irrational demon that has steered my life into so many different twisted roads. I wanted to create a blog that while inherently about my experiences, others could relate to. My Facebook feed is littered to links by people to articles titled things like “10 Things People With Anxiety Want you to Know”, “13 Things to Remember If You Love A Person With Anxiety” and “The 5 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Who Has Anxiety.”

Even though these articles have grown cliche to me and completely generalizes what I am going through, they make me feel a little less alone and a little closer to that random acquaintance online. However, all it takes is 1 post, even after just deciding I’m bff’s with like 100 anxiety-ridden strangers online, ​to decide I am going nowhere in life and that I am destined to be a failure.

I know I am not, but it still doesn’t make help me feel like I have my shit together. I know people use social media to project the image of themselves they want the world to see…but damn thanks for making me feel so behind in life. I used to actually think it was funny to make my online persona (and to be honest, my real life persona) embrace being a “hot mess” I guess it was the way I dealt with my emotions. I used to be a self-described​ “misadventurer”. I thought it was funny, but in reality, ​it was just a way to mask my insecurities.

So 1st rant, I mean blog post, over. I don’t really think I provided a clear-cut​ conclusion to this post, but it’s my blog so I’ll do what I want. Stay tuned for more SweenXiety entries, where I actually go in depth about my experiences and maybe…just maybe somebody can relate and find comfort in what I write.

❤ Sweeney

​