I know it is a bit cliche’ to call your life a roller coaster, but there is a reason for it being such a popular metaphor. I however, would be more inclined to call my life a ferris wheel. I live in this constant cycle of slowly building myself up, to eventually finding myself back at the bottom and wondering how I got there.
At least I’m consistent, I guess?
I also have the incredible talent to continuesly pick myself back up and rebuild after completely falling apart. It might not be the healthiest of skills, but it is still a skill and I have never once let myself stay at the bottom. It gets exhausting though and truthfully very embarrassing. You don’t typically find ferris wheels in the privacy of your own home, you find them at very public and often well attended areas.
My breakdowns and breakthroughs are always on exhibit and that makes me feel very vulnerable, especially to judgement.
Sometimes I think people feel like I have more control over it than I do. People have seen me get my shit together before so whats so bad about my life to make me constantly have these lows? And honestly… I don’t know and maybe thats the problem.
Don’t get me wrong, of course there are some things (*cough* many *cough*) I would like to change about my life, but a lot of the time there is very little rational to my emotions. It’s like I’m living in my own reality that nobody else can see. And unless you have experienced an anxiety disorder or depression it is really hard to understand. I wish it was easier to explain so I could stop feeling like a complete freak show.
Maybe some of you will reach out to tell me I’m not, so in advance… Hey! thanks for caring, I really do appreciate it. Deep down though, even if secretly, I’ll always think it. But who isn’t a little crazy anyways, right?